Coping with my partner’s anxiety disorder

What are the effects of an anxiety disorder on a relationship?

Most common situations:

• You continually reassure your partner;
• You take over tasks from your partner or loved one;
• You eliminate yourself;
• Anxiety is often a topic of conversation;
• You feel irritated or frustrated that your partner or loved one does not listen to your advice, or does not become less anxious;
• You do less because of the anxiety;
• You go along with the other person’s anxiety.

Despite your partner’s anxiety disorder, equality in a relationship remains incredibly important. Be open to talking about anxiety while focusing on the things that make you stronger as a couple.

Tips for dealing with your partner’s (or loved one’s) anxiety disorder

Here you can read tips on how to take good care of yourself and support the other person in a healthy way. This creates space and ensures that attention remains focused on the relationship between you.

1. Inform yourself
   Knowing about anxiety and anxiety disorders helps you better understand what your partner or loved one is dealing with. This understanding allows you to better empathize with what the other person is feeling and experiencing. Read about the types of anxiety disorders to better recognize which type of anxiety disorder your loved one has. You will better understand what triggers the anxiety and why your partner or loved one may act irrationally, for example.
2. Learn to recognize an anxiety attack
   Learn to recognize the signs of an anxiety attack so you notice when your partner is having one. Also ask what you can do then. What does your partner like?
3. You are not a therapist
   As the partner or loved one of a person with an anxiety disorder, your role can be helpful, but you are not a therapist. You are supportive by your presence or by the things you do or say, but it remains an informal and equal contact. Realize that you do not have the position and tools of a professional therapist. Your help as a partner or loved one is important but it can also limit you because you have a (love) relationship.
4. Acknowledge the fear
   Acknowledge that your loved one is experiencing anxiety. Often people themselves do not understand why they are so afraid; the feeling takes place on a subconscious level. Giving advice usually does not help and can create distance between you. Also avoid discussions about the fear; they will come to nothing.
5. Do not go along with the fear of the other person
   If you are fond of someone, it happens quickly that you go along with their mood. Just as you become happy with someone who is cheerful, you become less energetic with someone who is sad. Thus, the anxiety your partner feels affects you. Keep observing carefully what you yourself feel when your partner tells you about his or her anxiety. If you do not feel fear, do not go along with your neighbor’s fear.
6. Set your own boundaries
   You can be there for your partner up to a certain level. Feel your own boundaries and needs in this. When you put yourself in second place for a long time, you can start experiencing symptoms yourself. State your boundaries in a calm conversation. This gives clarity to your partner or loved one; which in itself is also helpful.
7. Do pleasurable activities together
   An anxiety disorder often leaves an unpleasant mark on the relationship. It is important to continue to have light-heartedness and fun together. Sit down together and make a list of things you enjoy doing. Schedule a few of them right away. Relaxation is important for both of you.

What can you do if your partner of loved one is having a panic attack?

1. Soothe your partner and distract attention from the anxiety. For example, go for a walk and see what you all see around you. A breathing exercise often works well, too.
2. Do not trivialize the other person’s fear, because a panic attack feels very unpleasant for the person who has it. Even if in your perception nothing is wrong; the fear feels real.